All of the virus/pandemic information has heightened my awareness of my fragile existence and how many situations could cause my early termination. I decided it’s time to do the research, so I went to the CDC website and reviewed the top 20 ways in which folks have left this earth due to something besides old age. The first one that caught my eye was the 21,218 people that pass away from bed related injuries. There are a few things I could say on that subject but considering this is a family friendly paper, I should probably just say some people must be doing things I’ve never done in bed. I tried to research that one, but when I asked Google “what crazy things are people doing in bed to get injured” Google sent me to a few sites that were of questionable nature. When my wife noticed my search history, things got very awkward. Anyway, since that’s just a small difference from the Virus figures I decided to self-quarantine to the couch until the danger passes. I would have been OK if I had just stayed off the CDC website, but no, I just had to look again. Coming in at a whopping 18,654 just a mere 3,000 less than the bed figure was furniture fatalities. So, I decided I was going to sleep on the floor to avoid risky interactions. The plan was good until my wife tripped over my pillow and twisted her ankle, this was the only point I thought of reviewing homicides since I think I was close to being a victim at that particular moment. This whole thing is very confusing. I keep seeing the same message, “stay home, save lives”. It’s everywhere, even on the reader boards on highways. And, unless you live in a cave (which by the way I’m starting to think is the safest way to go since only 19 people passed away from a cave related injuries last year) you’ve seen them also. In reality according to the CDC the safest place to be is in a field, away from trees (I added that part because 116 people had a branch or tree fall on them in 2019). I also think you should find a climate, or I should say an area that is free of those murder hornets that are making the news lately. I almost crashed a car once because a bee landed on me so I don’t even want to think what would happen if one of these bad boys dropped in on me while I was driving. I also wonder if I’m the only one that that has used this pandemic as an excuse to avoid seeing my in-laws or even call them for that matter. I’m not really proud of myself for telling them I read an article that the virus can be transferred through the phone especially since I left out the part that everybody knows all you need to do is wear a mask while on the phone to contain the spread. Stay safe my friends, this too shall pass.
GREG ROSEN IS A HUMOR WRITER FOR SEVERAL MAJOR NEWSPAPERS IN OREGON. IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE PLEASE SHARE.