This year I reached a milestone and officially hit the “older person” status; that’s what I call it anyway, not exactly senior citizen or able to get social security but no longer able to jump from the bed of a truck without the high risk of a sprained ankle or another serious injury. Not to mention, a few years back my wife put 911 on speed dial…when I asked why, she just said it was a precaution.
Being older does not really bother me, it is the side effects that are killing me.
I hate that I must think twice now before tackling a particular task. The main problem is that I’m forced to think more because my brain is working overtime trying to remember what I had for breakfast and that doesn’t leave much left to think about things like staying safe.
I’m not ready to deal with leakage.
It is true that with older age comes more visits to the “John.” Not sure why that is, maybe its old age’s secret humor screwing with me. I got tired of always saying I need to find the John and getting a thousand questions like, are you having problems down there and are you also having leakage issues? I’m not sure what the leakage issue is all about and I really don’t want to know. Looking for a way to keep my bathroom routine personal required a plan. The solution came to me in a flash, not a hot flash like some older folks get on a regular basis, this was one of those pivotal amazing flashes. I made a sign and hung it above my bathroom door officially changing the name from John to “The Jim”. Now everyone thinks I am in great shape because whenever possible in a conversation I like to mention that I go to “The Jim” at least 7-8 times per day.
Can you teach an old dog new tricks?
I also learned old dogs can learn new tricks! I mastered the art of belly dancing without ever even taking a class. I found if I just give my belly a little shake, the damn thing starts shaking all on its own. I also discovered I’m highly skilled at multitasking. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once!
Is a Silver fox a real thing?
I like to think of myself as a silver fox with my full head of thick grey hair, and from time to time I still get a few heads to turn. Just the other day at Walgreens I was shopping for some skin moisturizer and the young salesgirl (she was 40) smiled and made small talk with me. We visited as I roamed the Health and beauty isle till she said excuse me and walked away. I realized quickly when she returned and said I think you’re going to need a cart that it was possible I had misread the whole flirting situation. Maybe it’s time to go to the real gym before I really get old.
Greg Rosen is a Father, Husband, Realtor and humorist writer for several major newspapers. Questions or comments can be sent to [email protected]. If you like what you see please share.