I Really Don’t Like My Uncle


Every year about this time panic sets in. It all started when I received my first full time job in my early 20’s. I think anybody who suddenly comes into money has dealt with unwanted advances from people who want some of what you have, and in my case it was my uncle. Uncle Sam as I call him is never nice and only shows up when he wants something. I really don’t like him, not once in 30years has he ever attended any family functions or even sent a birthday card. He is so evil he contacted my employer and had him automatically deduct 18% out of every dollar I make before I even see a penny of it. I have dealt with this evil money hungry uncle long enough so in 2019 I had a plan, come up with the perfect tax deduction so my uncle would owe me money this year. After months of research and planning I think I found the perfect deduction. I prepared my taxes in the normal way and send them to me accountant. A few days later I received the following email. Greg, we have six tax attorneys, seven assistants and two office staff and we all look forward to your returns. We save them for the end of the day, make a few cocktails and then I read your deduction claims for the last year. I remember 2016, $3,147.50 for a pallet of Crown royal you claimed as a medical deduction for stress relief.  2017, $1,312 paid to a dancer, in one dollar bills, and you even took photos of those 1,132 bills. Your claim was that it was for dance lessons, most of us are still sharing that story. 2018, $700.00 for birth control, I actually liked this one. That year IRS allowed a child tax credit of $2000 and by spending $700.00 on birth control you saved the IRS $1300.00 not having to claim this deduction. I see for 2019 you claim that the breast implants for your employee, I.e. your spouse, are on your list of “business expenses”. You provided a court ruling in favor of this deduction. As I understand a Female dancer did the same claim you are attempting and she too claim this as a business expense. IRS denied it but a tax court ruled in favor of the dancer, stating that the implants were a stage prop, and thus a legitimate work expense that can be deducted. You claim is that your employee, I.e. your wife, doesn’t actually do anything besides greet people at the front desk and that she too is just a stage prop which in your definition makes her more pleasant to see.  In order to determine the amount we might be able to claim the entire office came up with a few questions: Is any part of this deduction used for pleasure and not business only? Does your employee, I.e. your wife, know you are referring to her as a stage prop? Since you are referring to your wife as a stage prop can we assume your marital status will be changing next year? 

Greg Rosen is a Humorist writer for several Major Newspapers in Oregon. Questions and comments are appreciated at [email protected]

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