Every year about this time my wife starts in on me thinking she can guilt me into being nice. It usually starts like this: Greg, you do know Santa’s watching you and he’s making a list and checking it twice so he will find out if you were Naughty or Nice. I typically say yes dear, I’m aware that Santa Clause is coming to town.
Santa’s Watching Me?
I think saying “Santa’s watching me” is slightly exaggerated. I feel like I am being forced into being nice by her bringing Santa in on this. I also do not think this is fair because my wife never does anything I can hold against her, so I never get the opportunity to extort or blackmail her back.
I just want to know what the rules are.
Every year Santa makes a list and never once have I seen his guidelines for either making it on or off the naughty & nice list. I think because of this I have a firm legal standing to appeal any decisions that negatively affect me such as getting a lump of coal when I think I should have received a new Red Ryder BB gun. I know the big guy is too busy to discuss this, but I am sure there is an elf somewhere who has this job. I think if I could just talk to someone, I could explain my side. I also think it would be fair to ask what actual evidence they have, besides, it would really help if I first knew how much they already know.
Do not drink & write Santa. It will get you on the Naughty List.
Last year I knew part of the problem was my letter to Santa. I got the great idea of writing him just after my company’s Christmas Party, where an open bar and my boss doing his best to humiliate me in front of everyone might have influenced my letter to Santa. Just because I might have asked Santa to have his reindeer deliver a special message on my boss’s house does not really make me a bad person, does it? I mean we all know reindeer need to poop at some point in the night, I just provided his address and suggested that might be a good place for a bathroom stop. I do know I have been exceptionally good the last few weeks so I am thinking that should help. On a positive note, I have not needed or asked anybody for bail money, and I did not have to hide any bodies this year, which should count for something since it is a serious improvement over last year. I wanted to have my story straight before I went before the Elf Review Board, so I first practiced my defense on my wife. She sat patiently, never saying a word till I finished. Then she got up slowly walked over to me, kissed my forehead, and said “I think you better plan on buying your own gifts this year.”
Greg Rosen is a Father, Husband, Realtor and humorist writer for several major newspapers. Questions or comments can be sent to [email protected]. Please share if you like what you see.